Zavisnost

Addiction is a nasty disease. It gets ahold of you and it is almost impossible to break yourself from its grip.

I have fought the addiction demon for most of my life, and today I am still fighting.
Both of my parents were addicts, my father was murdered over drugs, and my mother was high when she took her own life.

I almost lost my life to this disease. I came within weeks of losing my children forever. I was an ugly person inside, and I didn't care who I hurt as long as I got high. I wasn't a good person, mother, friend, or daughter.

I was addicted to Meth for 4 years. I am proud to say that I am clean and sober today, I have been clean for 4 years in December. I know it's not that long, but everyday that I stay clean I feel so much stronger.

I am a different person today, and although I will always be an addict, I am glad to say that addiction doesn't control me anymore.

I will continue to fight.


:-*

Praying for you.  As a psychologist who used to help families dealing with addiction, you sure have the right attitude!

Mommy.. i umm.. feel you dearly.. i write a journal.. im going to show you my front page..

As i sat there... pouring my quiet affliction, the silence devouring my avid addiction...
My mind wandering to distant places... trying to keep up with that "extacy" of mine...
Bearing my will through time untold... driving myself insane, how good it felt...
Looking up, i only found a pale dark sky, I... slipping through like a hole in glittering sand..
My life was here... represented by this void, and endless dreams i never had...

I'm going to try to write about this bitter/sweet... i get emotional because i lost so so much
It's hard to understand, the only one that could is one thats been there.... strong enough to survive..
To have the strength to let go... you have to hold on.. getting to sober is only half as hard as staying there..
Just having no drugs or alcohol in you doesn't mean your okay and it's all better... its a slow process..
Theres alot of paranoia and confusion, you're in disarray, things don't look, sound or feel real...you were drunk or high all the time...
Causing ill choices and wrong descions, it's like sitting in a fog.. slowly it subsides revealing... my gosh.. the shocking everything..
You don't jump back into life as if it was so suddenly clear and beautiful, though it is..you'll come across all that was ugly as well..
At nitemarish porportions, you can't run.. you face it.. look Vivi.. look what you done to yourself.. your body shakes and craves, your mind has been tossed and lost, ashamed, alone in fear... your heart and soul aches for freedom.. the mirror is taking you half way there...
This is where it begins, your first step... your first descion to just do it.. the mirror knows you're not afraid, do you really want to die?
Okay.. now it's time to learn to live..

High.. The descending sweetness..
Aboard the round river raft, spinning the journey from atop the valley.. downward winding on a rapid river boat ride, "let me off" you'll scream...
sick and dizzy, that begins to fade... with no thoughts, no direction, just blurred recycled non-reality..all matters obsolete
loving losing your mind.. the thrill standing still.. the blurr becomes your best friend, into this world you are obscuring,
escaping life as you know..you find yourself again and again waiting in line without patience.. for what will become your favorite ride....

He comes to your door and wants you to play, so you cautiously agree and say..
"ok", but "only this once"..you tell him real stern, "theres alot about you i don't want to learn".
You play for a while, its just for fun, but little do you know the games just begun.
See, once you agree to go out and play, you give up your freedom, and he leads the way.
You'll say "its no big deal, i still have control"... but little by little he lures you to his hole.
Before you know it, nothings the same, you're ashamed and embarressed to even admit your name.
You'll have no money, no pride, no soul but still you'll insist, "i've got control"
Its been what seems like years gone by since that first day, you have few memories, since you started on your way.
Theres been nothing accomplished, the bills hardly get paid, and you.. you're always afraid.
Locked in your room... "i've still got control" you'll suddenly find your own self betrayed..
You take it easy for a week or so, but then he comes back, and you can't say no,
he laughs and he laughs, he knows you are weak.. he totally gets off on making you tweak...
The enemy game..

I'll be back to write more.... i'm going to add more daily, my mind is still hazy
i'll add as it comes to me, then i'll put it all togther, so it might seem a little scattered for now...

This is my front page.. you're not alone..    :'( ... but as you i am proud where i am now..
Thank you for sharing Mommy.. my prayers are in..

Wow mommy, very straight to the gut with this.  I'm sorry you went through all of that.  I'm a child of druggies too.  I never did drugs, probably because I was an only child and we literally moved every 6 months or so town to town, (I think so I wouldn't get taken away and they would lose government funds) and i learned to blend in and be the adult in the family.  I learned to be alone all the time, even when they were there.  I learned that my friends could never come over because that would mean my 'parents' would have to not do drugs for one night.  I remember talks like 'you can't say that stuff Lyn, do you want to go live someplace else?  Do you want them to come take you away from your mom and never see her again?'  So I learned silence.  I was out on my own at 15 though, not because I had the problem, but because they finally gave in completely and lost all electricity, power, food, jobs, etc. and were basically camping at their trailor doing meth.  The final straw was when I woke up in the middle of the night to find a stranger sitting on my bed going through my things smoking a pipe.  I moved in with friends so I could graduate a year and half early from high school.  I guess I went the opposite direction, I hated them and I hate drugs, yet they formed who I am I guess.  My stepdad (never met my real dad big surprise) died of liver cancer, and I found out that the docs didn't help him much because they kept finding crank in his system.  My mom died 2 years ago of lung cancer, she made it the longest, but she killed herself too, in a way i won't go into right now.  So I feel you, I do.  Addiction has manifested itself in gambling for me but I recognized that years ago and got some counseling to help sort it all out in my head.  Now I can enjoy playing, and it doesn't control me.  You almost never stood a chance because you had almost no role models, yet look at you!  You're a great mom and friend and person.  I'm happy to know you.

Imagin- beautiful writing, thank you for sharing.  I got chills when i read it because it is so familiar watching my family members.  I remember my mom climbing the walls literally when she was out, it was awful.  You are so strong, and so brave to share your personal feelings and thoughts.  Thank you.

It is an uphill battle indeed. I am lucky enough to live in a place where it is no longer around me. In Vegas it was everywhere...I remember spending my time downtown wondering where I was going to get my next high. Or where I was going to stay for the night... UGH. I am soo glad that is behind me.

I met my husband 5 years ago, he was working as Security at the Gold Spike Casino downtown Las Vegas. He has never done drugs, and he stood by me through the worst of times. He actually had a HUGE part of me getting clean and getting my children back.

Imagin. I know where you are at right now, and stay strong, we can beat this!

Toodle, I thought when I was growing up I would never touch the stuff because I seen what it did to my parents, I was wrong, I became them.



:-*

Mommy...may God Bless you and yours.

(and all of us who need his help)

My sister is still in its grips. She lost everything, her home her job, and now her children are gone, they have been adopted, and she can't see them. I wish I could help her, but I believe you have to want it for yourself.

She has hepatits from IV drug use, she is homeless, and I am scared for her. Please pray that she overcomes this disease before it is too late.

:-*

I feel ya Mommy, i have 2 older brothers(same mother different fathers whom they lived with for a while) one was 8 ballin and drinking, slipped into a coma for 45 days, this was his first encounter with it being a medical condition, when he awoke he had been diagnosed with hepatitis and diabeties brought on by his alcohol and drug addition, he's joined AA and he went sober.. but even with this he slipped back so many times. My other brother was an alcoholic,addicted to gambling and did drugs occasionally, but also ended up in the hospital him being diagnosed with scorosis(am i spelling that right?) liver disease also having hepatitis this one is missing for about 5 years now..he lost everything as well.. and just went to walking the streets.. we can't find him anywhere, he doesn't even know our mom passed.

My youngest sister is addicted to pain killers (all kinds) and mixes that with speed, thing with her is she is very level headed..hard to explain her outside self seems to have it under control.. this is if it is around she does it if not she doesn't..her inside self it could be a different story.. she could be like me and did what i did to hide it as to how bad it is.. so i worry constantly, she lives in another state so it's hard..

My parents drank on the weekends and would get drunk, we lived in the same house for 15 years, my father was a good example and my mother was the normal housewife mother.. my brothers father was an alcoholic as well and did die from it, it makes me wonder is it somehow this disease be genetically connected?

I have 1 brother who is straight he is the one who found me he is 2 years younger then me, he's the one who has been my strength and has been by my side through it, his patience, his love and understanding has been a blessing..

Vegas holds the 3 highest addictions.. gambling, drugs and alcohol and it's everywhere.. it is also the highest transient city..

I totally believe that it is genetically connected. I believe that addiction is hereditary. I know some believe it isn't though.


My sister is also out in Las Vegas, so it's hard for me as I cannot see her. I just hope she wakes up soon. She is only 28 years old, she could still have her whole life ahead of her...


:-*

I think that "addiction" is the gene in our blood that is passed and holds the disease, like lurking or waiting.. and then it is catagorized by which it is and spreads or is triggered by that that is addicting.

This is what i beleive...

My younger brother who has different mother but we have same father had no addictions in his life (i didn''t meet him til i was 14 and we became very close right from the start) I went through life with no addictions until recently.. which i am clean now..
I smoked weed, which i gave that up in a heartbeat.. but the other was a different color of the horse i rode..

Addiction CAN be genetic.  And also, addiction can simply systemically mimic past family behavior. 

To say there is a gambling-alcohol-drug-pornography gene has only achieved limited results insofar as diagnosis or treatment.

In other words, if your father/mother or grandfather/grandmother drank too much, there is a significant chance YOU will have a disposition to drink too much too....whether or not an identified gene is present.

Now, if you REALLY want to get complicated:  How about "sober" people ,whose father was a raving drunk, getting married to a drunk!  Those are tough ones to figure out.

Gambling addiction is one of the worst, chasing that win. It is very hard to overcome as well.



:-*

The majority of people who have addiction(s) that i have seen in all my years, there was always some kind of history in the family somewhere. I beleive we ALL carry that addiction gene, i beleive our ancestors had alot of addictions, you can be addicted or compulsive to anything on this earth, it is the one that triggers what your addiction gene will be triggered by that distinguishes which one it is..

Imagin.........bingo!  Familly history, behavior and patterns.  This is why it MAY not always be genetic.  Our families of origin have a very powerful effect on how we are shaped and formed as people. 

For example, if Mom is super stressed out and anxious that will "spill" over into her children who will act out that stress/anxiety in some form.  Genetics has nothing to do with it.

If Dad is a drunk, that behavior (which might be genetic) will spill over into his children who will act out the alcoholism in SOME way.  (May be withdrawnl, may drink too, may marry a drunk, may find a compulsive distraction, etc.)  And once again, a "gene" may have nothing to do with it.

Stupid question but I have always wondered what's the difference in between crank and crack? I tried to Google but couldn't understand...id anyone know, please explain it to me? Thanks...oh, and what is meths,really? I mean you know, joint is Marijuana then what's meths? is it like cocaine?

Crank is speed ground down like mushed pills and snorted, crack is cocaine it is sometimes cut or mixed it is made into a solid form through a cooking method for smoking, sometimes called freebasing.. meth and crank are the dirtiest form, i've seen it snorted, smoked and injected and most quickly addictive..

This is just a quick explaination, i don't know off hand the medical names or exact ingredients for them, someone might know

Crank = amphetamines = speed = tweek...this is 'dirty' (but then again, 'dirty' and/ or 'clean' is totally subjective)

'Meth' is short for methamphetamines...by adding on a methyl side chain onto an amphetamine core, the Japanese were able to create a drug that has lasting effects 10x that of regular amphetamine.  They gave this to their Kamakazi pilots and soldiers for those extended hours of duty.
Meth = ice = glass = crystal = shit = ish

Both crank and meth can be crushed and snorted.  Both are water soluble and can be dissolved for injection.  Meth usually is smoked tho.

Crack = rock cocaine = cocaine + baking soda.  By heating cocaine and baking soda, it forms a rock that is then smoked.  Cocaine alone burns off at far too low of a temperature and alot is wasted.

If you really want to learn more, check out www.Erowid.org...Documenting the complex relationship between humans and psychoactives

:'( :'( :'(  Ha hah...I asked my daughter a while back what meths was...I meant what's made of...and she told me, meths is everything you can make from home products...any chemicals...so I made my own conclusion, thought it was like Clorox plus laundry detergent something...that's where I got confused...

Thank you,Imagin and ishin... for taking your time and answering my question...though I am still lost...sorry I am slow...

I am Meth.

This was written by a young Indian girl who was in jail for drug charges, and was addicted to meth. She wrote this while in jail. As you will soon read, she fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as she tells in this simple, yet profound poem. She was released from jail, but, true to her story, the drug owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the needle still in her arm.


My Name: "Is Meth"

I destroy homes, I tear families apart,
I take your children, and that's just the start.

I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you - in schools and in town.

I live with the rich; I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.

In your child's closet, and even in the ds,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.

My power is awesome; try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You do what you have to -- just to get high.

The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms,
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.

You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always -- right by your side.

You'll give up everything - your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely! , your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.

The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.

You knew this would happen, many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?

I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.

Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.

I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.




:-*

Yep....Hill-billy heroin is bad stuff......

Wow, you can really "hear" the pain in that poem.

Yes you can hear her pain. This drug is an ugly, powerful substance...It does tear everything you have to shreds...






:-*

Amen, that poem is right on.  Poor thing. 

Dr- I was going to say that too, hillbilly heroin.  The later effects on people who do manage to kick its habit is pretty rough.  No teeth, sunken face, skin just hangs, not to mention the mental defects.  I speak from firsthand experience... my mom looked like she was 67 when she passed and she was only 51.

This thread makes me sad, and sort of in awe at how common my situation was in the big picture.  And that is sad.  Thanks for sharing everyone.

Oh that poem and the story behind it

Very sad Imagin :'(

Unfortunately it is many peoples reality...



:-*

Yep....the life of addiction is truly hell on earth.

Very touching poem love it

But addiction for drugs is a ugly thing been there myself unfortunaly about 10years ago for a 3years period but im totally clean now wont ever touch it again seen so many bad things happen to other people.

Unfortunately there isn't a name. There has been speculation about the name, even people trying to take credit for it, that are very much alive.

The story is the girl died shortly after writing this while in jail.

Whoever wrote it is amazing. It gives me chills just reading it.

I found some stuff about it on Snopes...about the people who try to claim they wrote it, and also they are saying it's a myth that the girl who wrote this died from an overdose.

http://www.snopes.com/glurge/iammeth.asp



:-*

Ish- Hillbilly heroin is a term we use sometimes for what poor people- like my parents by their own hand of course- would use because it was more readily available and cheaper.  and more dangerous.  It's just a term to mean it's not the pure stuff, it's a knock off sort of.  This is just a friendly way of explaining it.  I know they inhaled and shot up stuff that was literally made in their friends' bathrooms or basements- and their friends were NOT rich if you get my meaning.  I heard everything from formaldahyde to dish detergent was used to make some of those concoctions.  And it smells awful, sadly I have waited in the car outside of many a meth house for my parents.  anyhooo.... I don't think he meant 'hillbilly' as in our more rural friends.

ish......no problem with the rant!  Ranting is in good company here!  Keep in mind, I heard the term "Hill-billy heroin"  when I was on a mission trip in poor, rural Tennessee.  The people we worked with who were hooked on that stuff gave us the term, "Hill-billy heroin."  Remember, context-context-context.  In some contexts the drug of choice is smack-crack-sh..t-weed-etc.